Of Pain and Happiness

The last several weeks have been a pretty rough time for me. I have been through heartache, pain, and the ultimate realization of just how much God loves me despite my stupid mistakes.

My most recent mistake has been that I second-guessed myself…again. When I was a kid, my mom was always so worried that I make a good impression on my friends and family. To this day, she always tells me, “Talk about THEM…not just YOU.” So…please understand, world…I’m not saying that any of this is my mother’s fault. She has played a part, yes, but it is not her fault. No one is to blame for this kind of thing. Basically, when it comes to people and the things they say to me, I have always second-guessed myself. I am not worried about what the inevitable “they” think about me. Neither do I care that I “look good” to those around me. I simply wonder, “Am I doing the right thing…is THIS truly God’s will?” And yet, people will always second-guess every decision you or I or anyone else makes. Always picking at you and criticizing everything. Forever the naysayers. When someone does that to me, I play ball. I’ll duke it out with them because I think I’m right. But as soon as they are out of the way, I ask myself, “Am I right? And if I am, who’s to say that I am? Who noticed? Who can tell me whether I’m right or wrong?” And then I do the mature adult thing. I freak. Earlier this year, someone criticized me in the worst ways. I was called out on things I have never been called out on for any reason. The person had their reasons, and I’m sure they meant well, but let’s just say it, some people have no tact, or they just don’t care. I second-guessed myself. And then even when I prayed about the situation and still felt that God said no, I STILL allowed myself to become interested in what the person said I should do.

That said, I am no longer joining the Navy. I have seriously decided against it. It is not for me…God knew it…I knew it deep in my heart, and yet… I wanted to please my family. I was, and am, sick and tired of feeling like a failure because of the way others treat me and act around me. So, it became “Me me me” rather than “God…what do YOU want? What is the grand adventure that You want to take me on? Where can we go and what will You do in and through my life?”

I believe that deep down inside of us, each and every one of us knows what we are supposed to do with our lives. It’s in the little things we find ourselves doing… those things that sometimes, we absolutely hate the fact that we do them because we start paying too much attention to what Miss Jones can do better than us. And yet…we love doing it. We love being that person and knowing that we were made to do this even though we don’t always feel like we were. I don’t really want to reveal what that thing is for me. I’ve been scoffed at enough recently, and it’s time for a breather, if but a short one.

I would like to publicly thank Hannah, Anna, Eric and Jim for talking me through things the past several weeks. You guys have really been a blessing to my life and have really lifted me up. It is much appreciated.