Musical Memoirs: Episode 1 - "Hurt"

A few months ago, I found a music video by Johnny Cash entitled Hurt which was written by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails.  It has become one of the most moving songs and music videos I've ever heard or seen.  I can sincerely relate to the song.  I can only imagine the things that Cash felt as he remembered his own life and watched time pass in the mind's eye of his memories.  When I myself relate to it, I have to be honest... the things that I remember and look back on, I have to admit, the things I've been through aren't that bad.  My life could be so much worse than what it has been.  But that doesn't mean that things do not hurt or make me sad.  It does not mean that I haven't experienced pain myself.  So here is my tribute to an amazing song. 

I hurt myself today                                                                                                               To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real 

I would imagine that there have been times in my life when my reactions to certain events could possibly considered "drastic".  For example, I have had friends pass away whom I was not exactly "close to".  I didn't necessarily always hang out with them.  However, their passing affected me in ways that perhaps surprised others around me.  These incidents were painful, and it's possible that I made them more painful than was expected / necessary to feel.  If asked why, I would have to say that since the pain of life is unavoidable, I'd rather exprience it to the fullest if I am to learn the most I can from the experiences.

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything 

Despite a desire to experience pain to the fullest, it is like there is the battle within.  A battle trying to eradicate that pain.  I'm quite certain that the writer of the lyrics was referring to drugs here.  However, there are other needles that tear the holes and sting in a familiar way.  This is one of the reasons I have chosen to get certain tattoos.  Somehow, making such a personable dedication to something, or to someone's memory makes it better.  I still "remember everything" but it just does not seem as bad it once did.

What have I become
My sweetest friend

We all become someone we didn't necessarily imagine ourselves becoming during our childhood.  Perhaps it's someone we didn't want to be.  Or maybe it is just that we were surprised by the unexpected turn of events as we become who we believe ourselves meant to be.  We ask ourselves and those closest to us who we've become... and what that means. 

Everyone I know
goes away
In the end

I can definitely relate to this.  People who are special to me - those I treasure - they pass away or they walk away from me in the end.  I don't really trust a lot of people (even within my own family) because I fear that happening again.  There is currently only one person with whom I feel that I can trust my life.

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I would give up almost everything I have to bring to life the people I have lost over the years... just for the one day of asking them every question I could have about life.  I want their advice so often.  And yet, whether it is because of not having that advice, or simply because I am human, I let everyone down in some way or another.  I've let so many people down...

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Speaking of letting others down...  Many do not know this, but as a child, I lied.  A lot.  My parents probably know about more of my lies than I am aware that they do, though I admit to considering myself fairly good at doing so.  Lying crucifies us in a way - though today, I do not always consider lying to be wrong (ask me about it you'd like to know more).  If one lies too much, their thoughts become disjointed and they no longer know the truth, meaning they cannot fix what they have done.

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Feelings change over time, and eventually, that change can become complete, to the point that our original feelings go away forever.  But in so doing, we find that those close to us change as well.  Sometimes, they end up leaving us behind in the wake, though we tried so hard to keep up.

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt


If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

In looking back, I do not utterly regret my life, as the writer apparently did.  However, there are parts of me that I would not allow to change in the way that they did.  Similarly, there are other things that I would change on purpose if I could.  That - in effect - is the fatal flaw of humanity as a whole.  We cannot be happy just as we are.  We must be jealous and selfish.


Thoughts?