Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Inevitable Adulthood

As the title page suggests...life is full of hard times. One of my questions currently is what to do next? My current job at the library is just going to last for this summer, and to be completely honest, I took it not just to have a job, but to more or less bide some time that would have been otherwise wasted. Don't get me wrong, I totally appreciate the job and the opportunity to work there (despite the boredom), but I'm still trying to figure out what to do afterwards.

Hannah and I had originally planned to move to Atlanta when she came back from Canada, but that idea fell through. To top it off, Melissa was just called recently and told that she will be able to go in for her navy training later this month, which means she'll be out of state soon. My boyfriend is also leaving for basic training for the Navy, but we'll be able to stay in touch via snail-mail. I basically feel like everyone else's life is set for a specific course that will remain steady for a time while I'm being left behind in the dust.

These thoughts led me to decide that perhaps there is more out there for me than this… I have lived the life of the little princess. Granted, I haven’t always gotten exactly what I wanted, but I got most of it. What I lacked in friendships and relationships in general, I found in the literally hundreds of stuffed animals my family got for me over the years. This year, I finally got rid of most of them because… Well, it’s time for some changes around here. It’s time for a new life…literally. I still absolutely love stuffed animals, and look forward to seeing who will be the next giver of such a huggable gift *cough, hint hint*, but I really didn’t need as many as I had, and will be getting rid of more before too much longer. The thing is that I have learned a lot in the past few months since I’ve been back from ATL.

In ATL, I was told what I supposedly needed and was “required” to do with my life at this point in time. I was told what things would work and that the things I was currently attempting to do would not work at all. Bottom line, I was told to join the military because my living expenses and college would be paid for. That’s nice and all… But I had prayed about the military before, I honestly had. I have prayed about it a lot since I got out of high school. It has always been on my mind in some way, form, or fashion…

In 2001, I watched two towers fall. I had a vague sense of the pain others were feeling because of it. But then…one by one…my friends – people I knew in my high school classes… I was in 9th grade that year. In 10th grade, people I knew…kids from school…started leaving. One at a time, they left for Iraq.

At this point in time…I have pretty much decided to go into the navy… All of my friends are leaving. And I feel I’m being left behind in the dust. For a couple or so weeks now, I’ve seriously been looking into trying to get a civilian navy position. Then a few days ago, I found out that these positions are not actually involved with the Navy as much as I had thought. As a result, I am now sincerely planning actually joining up and going for it while attempting to finish out my schooling. If anyone reads this, and if you can find them, call the A-Team…I need help. I am scared to death, but I know what I need to do. I am at a point in time when I have little choice…and this is it…

After having thought and prayed about it a lot more over the last two and a half days, I have come to some conclusions. My step-aunt talked to me a lot while I was in ATL a few months ago... She tried to talk me into joining the navy with a friend of mine, but I refused at the time because I had not put a lot of thought into it of late and I didn't think I could do it. I didn't tell her she was wrong, but I didn't want her to be right either. Now that I've had more time to really put what she said into perspective and really think about it rather than stand there and watch her practically attack me with it... lol...I know she meant well. I am beginning to see what she was talking about. I am a 23 year old young woman. I have had it way too easy. Most parents kick their kids out at 18 and if they're not going to college or getting a job, they often end up in the military. I on the other hand, didn't get this. Instead, I got a spoken / unspoken-but-understood talk something like this: "Go where you want. Do what you want. But don't get drunk, don't do drugs in my house. Don't do anything illegal. If you're going to live with us, please try to get a job and do some little things around the house to help out some..." My parents are very loving people. They have done their part to raise me right. Now that time has come to an end.

I currently depend on my parents for just about everything. And I feel like trash for doing so...even though, technically, I had no choice. But that's just it...I do have a choice. I could have gone on to the navy already and been working towards getting there. But I didn't. I came home and sat down to think. Since I've been here, I've done little else but get the position at the library. In total honesty, I have little to no interest in getting a job here. This town depresses me, and the fact that the job market sucked two years ago is doing nothing to encourage me in the area of searching for a job here at all. This shows that I have little to no true discipline in the area of job searching. I have neither the desperation nor the desire necessary to succeed in finding a job right now...which leaves me where? No where.

So...this is my decision. This is where I am going... I will greatly miss this place. I will miss my family, my dog, my fish... I will miss everything. But I need to. I need to go out and live on a little for a time so that I will appreciate it more later when I get the opportunity to live with a lot again. To be quite honest...I am miserable. I get home every day and I go to my room and I'm disgusted. I look around and I want to take everything I own and just sell it unless it's really and truly special to me. Just leave me the clothes on my back, my journal, my sketchbook, a few small pieces of jewelry, my mp3 player, my laptop, my cell phone, a few changes of clothes, my Bible, a book or two, a blanket, a pillow, and a stuffed animal, and I would be happy... I don't even need the stuffed animal.

But yeah...if you're reading this...please keep me in your prayers. I haven't spoken to my parents yet. I am praying that they will not misunderstand me and that while I know that they will worry, I pray that they will understand that this is my way of growing up and becoming the woman they want me to be. I NEED to do this.

Mom and Dad... if you guys read this... Thank you for everything you guys have done as my parents...I love you, and I know that sometimes you don't really get me or my random spurts of seeming spontaneity. But please understand that I know this is what the Lord wants me to do right now and He has been driving me in this direction for much of my life...although I have said little about it. I care very deeply for all military personnel...and I always have... I have tried to do what I can for them as a civilian...but I can no longer do that, and I cannot just stand here and watch it anymore... Please...do not try to stop this... I promise you that I will be ok, because the God of the Universe has promised me the same. I am well aware of the dangers that lay before me. I am well aware that we could very well go to war again tomorrow. Even if I were to die because of this decision, I will be ok... Daddy taught me strength. Mom taught me "kickass attitude". The two put together are enough to make anyone know better than to mess with me. So don't worry...it's a sin. Hugs and Kisses!!

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