This week, I was struck with a realization... The realization is that I do not have a whole lot of self-worth, and the reason why I do not. I love my family, and that will never change... but many of the things that have been said to me in the past year and a half have really done a number on me emotionally and mentally. In many ways, the past year and a half has strengthened me in that the loss of self-worth has lessened a great deal and doesn't truly affect me. However, the feelings that remain are still painful.
The reason for my recent "discovery" of my true feelings on this matter was that I realized my true reasons for wanting to return to Atlanta. I want to prove myself...to everyone. I know that I can live up to more than I currently am...and I feel a great urge to show everyone my ultimate self. I want to be able to be real with everyone, but some people don't really allow that in that they believe things about me that are not true, or they refuse to truly listen to me when I try to share myself with them.
In the past several months, I have received and accepted the following blows with a shy laugh and a shrug: "Since when are you mature? I haven't seen it!" "You don't know what God's will for your life is!! *proceeds to tell me what they know His will for my life to be*" "That's not a REAL job!" "You know that new McDonald's that's coming to Royston? Why don't you apply there?" "See, there are a lot of apartment complexes out here. I don't understand why you have to leave Royston to be 'on your own'..." To clarify, there is nothing seriously wrong with the last two comments. The only problem I have with them is that I said I wanted to leave Royston. I said I was going to leave it as soon as possible. I want people to accept that. I'm not staying because of the extremely low minimum wage here. I can't live off of it with bills to take care of...I have added up the figures and, I'm sorry, but if I live in this area with that much of a paycheck on my own, there will be a consistently negative number in checking. However, in my mind, if I were to go to a bigger place where minimum wage is higher and live the same way that I would have here with the same budget, there wouldn't be a whole lot left over, but there would be something to save for emergencies. That's all I need. All I need is to get by.
So for the record, I do not feel it wrong of me for proving myself to be one of my main reasons for returning to ATL whenever I do... I know that at this point, I can never gain my family's approval of myself. I have resigned myself to that fate. All I want...is for them to acknowledge that I am not a total screw-up. I want to be able to go to a family reunion one day with more than just my next temporary hard try at gaining a degree so that I can gain temporary success to talk about. I want to be able to tell someone that I have a job, or more than one job that I'm proud of. I want to be able to look at them and say that I may not be as rich or as successful as you, but I worked damn hard to get where I am, so fuck your wealth and your stupid plans of grandeur, because, sadly, they won't get you real friends. They won't get you anything that I have or that I have had. You took the easy road out of Dodge and rode into Hollywood on red carpet of your father's blood and sweat and your mother's tears. I can't promise what my children will be or what they will act like, but I promise to at least try to make an effort to teach them to bleed freely, sweat profusely, and cry hard over whatever means anything to them. Because that is how I got where I am and how I will get to where I am going. I will learn more, I will grow stronger, and I will beat the living mental and emotional tar out of anyone who tries to trample that with their words.
Dear world and family: I love you, but you don't understand that. You don't understand me. It makes me a little sadder every time I see that you think I hate you or dislike you. It makes me a little angrier when you put me or my friends down (unless we deserved it given certain circumstances). I don't smile much anymore. Have any of you dared notice? I consider my boyfriend my smile now... because God got tired of seeing me hide my smile to please all of you. So He chose to give me an amazingly sweet guy who doesn't just grin back at me...but rather he delights in the fact that I smiled at all... I'm happy again. I'm happy because someone WANTS to see my smile... So what if it's the silliest, most stupid thing any of you ever saw. Sometimes it's good to be that way...because if you're not...you will lose all of your innocence. Innocence is not the reality of this harsh world, but it is still a small part of it. Those of us who can preserve what little of it is left, should...
So SHINE...be yourself. Don't be afraid to let that part of you out, because I've been afraid of it for too long... I'm still afraid...but I know that with time and work, I can be myself in front of everyone again... And things will be somewhat like they used to be when I was little and had nothing to fear... I didn't worry myself with whether or not so-and-so liked what I did. I didn't stop to ask myself if mommy or daddy would mind my giggles in the next room...they would tell me to stop it in a minute anyway. I just had fun...being me.
Drew...thank you for allowing God to use you to make me smile again...
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