Beauty [still] Has Grace

"Today, I was at Lifesprings. I got horrible news. Brittani... is gone...
I cannot write anymore right now. I'm sorry. I cannot cry... This is the fourth death hitting close to home since January 2008. I think I'm in shock... This cannot be happening..."

("May 4th, 2009 - RIP B... I Can't Cry..." excerpt from Heartbeat, my personal journal)

"And on the third day... nobody rose..."

(May 5th, 2009 - Facebook Status by Bracha Judah)

"A year ago today, I was in Wendy's hanging out with you... But today is much different. It's sad. Today is Brittani's birthday. She would have been 23, but God took her 3 days ago."

("May 5th, 2009 - Imminent Pain: Facing It" excerpt from Heartbeat, my personal journal, written to my husband)

"When I awoke from my half sleep state... everything hurt... everything but love, music, and Twilight... HURT"

("Bye Bye Butterfly" - May 12th, 2009 the-unique blog)

These were the writings and thoughts of myself and my friends in early May of 2009. This week is a milemarker for me... and perhaps for some of my other friends as well... This was not my first recent experience with the passing of a loved one.

• January 19th, 2008 - Mr. Brookshire
• October 9th, 2008 - Damian Biddle
• March 16th, 2009 - Janet Galloway
• May 2nd, 2009 - Brittani Panozzo

As my friends and one family member (Janet) went to their final resting places one by one, I remained strong. Defiant, almost. I had no desire for anyone to see my real feelings on this. I didn't want to show them my tears. I could feel my mom's eyes following me from time to time, knowing that I felt things more than I said. I imagine she wondered what it was I felt, or if maybe she knew to some extent. Over time, I began scheduling my crying sessions. I marked the month-i-versary of each passing and spent time on those dates mourning the losses. Perhaps it seemed over-dramatic to others. Not that I really care about that.

On May 4th, 2009, I walked in to Lifesprings... shortly afterward, I had learned what had happened two days prior. It was like time stopped. The sun suddenly had no right to shine as far as I was concerned. Because when I befriend or love a person - it is with my whole heart.

As the brick wall of the news faded into utter shock and denial, I went through a few phases. This couldn't be happening. Maybe if I ignored it, things would go away. It would just stop happening. The obituary would disappear. I would return to Lifesprings and see the beautiful gracious one would come bounding in with that special excitement about life that only she possessed. She was special. A couple of days after the fact, I found myself back at Lifesprings. I had been walking around in a bit of a daze the entire time, but that day, I woke up. I woke up to a painful reality. I could feel the pain and mourning of all of those around me. It hurt so badly - I wanted to scream.

When I think about Brittani, I remember the song Holy Visitation and how she danced when she sang it... Just the way she did it... I knew God was there. I knew He appreciated her worship and loved her all the more for it. It was almost like her own life-force (God Himself) was pumped into the rest of the campus, if but for a moment. She really inspired me.

It is that inspiration that has brought me back to my blog today.  You see, I am at the end of a long journey.  It has finally been a year since someone close to me passed away without my grieving being interrupted by another passing.  I fear the future for others whom I love now, and I have a greater respect for the time each of us have left on this earth.

(photo borrowed from Sierra's albums) Brittani had a tattoo on her wrist of a sankofa.  In looking it up online, I discovered that it is a symbol native to Ghana.  The symbol represents "to go back and take", which the way we would understand it in English, would be to remember the past.  Each person in my life has left some impression on me.  One of Brittani's impressions on me was to look to my past for whatever lessons I could learn from it.  The past is behind me, but that doesn't mean I learned absolutely everything I could have on the day it happened.

Brittani was one of those people who truly inspired me in more ways than I have words to describe - and trying will only make it lengthier.  She continues to inspire others, even in her passing.  It is my hope that others will see who she was through those of us who knew her.  It is the memory of her and Mr. Brookshire as well as the others that spurs me on.  I do not always know whether I am doing the right thing or not.  Sometimes, I selfishly wish that they were all still here.  I want to be able to ask whether whether I am doing well or not.  I have learned the hard way that while I often want to be reassured that I am doing the right thing, I cannot always look to other people to give me that assurance.  It's a heartbreaking realization, but one that bears a blessing.

The memory of my friends and family has driven me to relieve the pain with a memory-maker.  I am in the process of creating a tattoo for myself.  It will, of course, involve sankofas.  A butterfly.  One wing for each of these special people.

It's true...  Beauty has Grace wrapped in His arms.  And Beauty holds Grace safe from harms.  And every time she danced with worship so rich and free, Beauty was enthralled as Grace showed him to you...