Rut Much

We all have times in our lives when things don’t work out the way we planned. We may as well give up and give in to forced balance. Those who plan should go ahead and cross out their original schedule and write in “spontaneous oops” instead. As for the spur-of-the-moment people, they should look forward to meeting the perfectionists. We are drawn to one another…by some form of balance. Because the two personalities balance each other out.

I am a planner with a dash of irresponsibility and spontaneity mixed in. I say a “dash” because while I’d much rather play all day than follow the rules, I also value a life without much confrontation. But what happens, when you become too comfortable in your non-comfort zone?

I have never really wanted to work. I never really wanted to be a career woman. Oh sure, there are things about that kind of life that seem so glamorous and upbeat. And yet…it doesn’t really draw me in. Part of the reason is that as I watched the girls and women around me, it seemed that they had to choose between work and family a lot. I don’t want that to be the case with me. If I do not become a CEO of some bank somewhere, I could avoid that very easily. I would not be so quickly taken by the demands of work as opposed to the ideals of the motherhood I hope to one day attain.

But how does one deal with that right now? How can I remain busy and feel accomplished, when the world’s idea of “accomplished woman” is something that doesn’t make me happy at all? On top of that, to be honest, I could be happy doing so many different things…and yet, almost all of them require some form of degree that I cannot get yet because I can’t afford the schooling.

I feel stuck…like I can’t really move forward. And yet, everyone else around me is moving forward… What do I do? What am I waiting for?