A few days ago, I had a really bad day. It was just one of those days when nothing was going right and no one seemed to really care. A lot of internet drama made it even worse.
And this was one of those times when I realized just how bad it has been in the past. For years, I haven’t really wanted to live… My only reasons for wanting to at all were the one or two people whom I felt needed and actually wanted me around. The people who gave me a voice…
I realized that day just how much Drew has been an answer to prayer. I used to smile and laugh and giggle all the time… But then something happened. I learned that this was unacceptable. I learned that people look down on me for it. I discovered that people do not understand nor appreciate humor anymore. So I quit. I stopped sharing. I decided that if they didn’t want a part of me, then why should they have any of me, right? But to deny that, meant denying myself. It meant going against the very person I am. And it hurt, so much. It still does. Because it happened when I was so young that the denial of myself has become who I am more or less. I am only myself around my closest of friends.
I kept thinking the other day about how I have lost my voice in my family and even amongst my church family. I love all these people. But they denied me my voice…because they didn’t want to hear a lot of what I have to say. It makes me wonder, just what are they afraid to hear? And why? Are they scared that I might tell the truth about them? Wouldn’t they want to fix that?
I taught myself to hide my smile behind a stern gaze and occasionally, a scowl. I learned to hold in my laughs… And now, they come out weird when I know that the person won’t appreciate what I just said that I thought was so funny. So I have a couple of people to thank here… Drew and Hannah… You guys bring out the real me like no others. I am so thankful that God gave me the two of you. I would hate to lose either of you… Please don’t let that happen because if it does, I don’t know… I guess I’m afraid of losing myself again…wow…
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