It's been a long week... And I'm thinking that this is because of the fact that I want the end of it to get here...and FAST. Drew and I are going on a picnic this weekend... Dear Life, may I please skip Friday this week?
In other news, the family reunion is coming round again...soon... Grandma is pretty determined that I will go or she will make me feel like the most horrid person on the planet for not going. So last week, I got to thinking about my Grandma. She is a lovely, sweet, kindhearted woman, but she has this huge flaw. She is a manipulative guilt-tripper. So, this one day last week, I got to thinking about how much she wanted me to go to this reunion....and what she would most likely say / do to convince me to go. It made me so angry, I slammed my fist down on the table in a short fit of rage. It was shortlived because...my hand...still hurts... *embarrassed face*.
Last night, Grandma picked me up at Wendys and on the way home mentioned the reunion. The conversation went like this:
"We've decided to have the reunion at Amicalola this year."
"Ok."
"So are you going with me or not?"
"I'm not really planning on it."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't really want to this year."
"Well, why don't you?"
"Because... I just don't."
"I thought you liked Amicalola."
"I do. I'm just not going this year."
*few moments pause*
"So are you just gonna shut yourself off from all of your family...?"
"NO!!"
When I got home, I was MAJORLY stewing. I love my family. And it really hurts that she would say that I'm shutting myself off from them. But at the same time, I can understand where she would get that idea. I'm not as open with family as I am with my closest friends, but I have my reasons. I have tried opening up to family in the past on more than one occasion. Each time, I was taught the harsh lesson that they're not really interested in who I really am or who I want to be. They have no desire for me to be myself, nor do they often celebrate my successes or my happiness. I walk in the door all happy and grinning ear to ear like, "I DID IT!!" And I get these looks from everybody like, "Who's this freak and what the hell is she doing in our house? Please tell me she doesn't belong to us because the way she is acting is embarassing!!"
I have spent most of my life trying to think of ways to help and protect my family... Because I lost my real family to adoption...I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to lose the people I love just because I didn't do whatever I could for them. But I also don't want to be so set on fighting for what I love that I actually do lose it because I got to distant. I just wish that they understood better what goes through my mind and heart every time one of them is diagnosed with something I can't fight. I wish they understood what I go through on a daily basis as I learn to accept the fact that I can't always fight for them...and as I learn to let go over time.
So yeah... I liked the family reunions. I'm weird like that. The only things I dislike about them are that people who have known me my whole life are still asking what grade I'm in. I'm sick of being the black sheep. I'm sick of trying to get to know these people on a very personal level. I am a very people-oriented person, so I hate when people run up to me all excited to see me. Then they ask me 20 quick questions to make me think they care...then they're like, "Oh!! Someone else I haven't seen in AGES! I'll talk to you later." But they never do. I don't hear from them again until a year later at the next reunion and they ask me the same questions over again. I have been to every reunion except for one since they started when I was 12... Let's see. 23 - 12 = 11 - 2 = 9. That's 9 reunions I will have gone to. If I wanted to shut myself off from my family, I would move to China and get a new cell phone number and forget to send them my new address...
On a lighter note, I started working at the library yesterday. It's 4 hours a day, 4 days a week...and the pay got bumped up to like $5.50 an hour, which is so much better than the $4 I was originally promised. I'm not really looking forward to the summer reading program... I enjoy the work itself, but the part I dread is the kids. I have nothing against them, it's just I don't really like them unless I know them or they are mine...which hasn't happened yet. I'm also not looking forward to the various chlostro attacks I'll probably have before it's over with...
So that's the news for right now...
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