ENOUGH!!!!

In all honesty, I'm tired of it all!! Why do I have to fight people to get where I need to go in life?

The other night, my grandma told me that she would take me to look for jobs and all of that. I thanked her and I really do appreciate the offer. The problem is that I've already decided on going to ATL for a few months at least. I feel that being away from family, the people who pressure me the most, will help me more than hurt me right now. Well, the other day, when Grandma offered that help, she followed it up immediately by asking if I had any ideas where I might look for a job. I said, "Yes...Atlanta." Of course, her automatic answer was, "Honey, no...you need to get a job here at home..." I repeated that I was going to ATL and walked off before she could start a fight with me about it.

All of my life, my dad has seemingly understood better than anyone else that one day, I was going to grow up, and that I would need to leave my home and go be an adult on my own. It took my mom several years to understand that while I respect her opinions and am very interested in what they are, that doesn't always mean I'll follower her advice. Grandma, on the other hand...she doesn't seem to get it yet...and I wish she would before she loses an opportunity to get to know the real me and who I will become entirely. Last year, the entire summer before I left for EC, my Grandma and I fought about it. She just wouldn't let it go and drop it. I was as gentle, respectful, and polite to her as I could be when we argued, but she just wouldn't listen. So, after she made the suggestions she did the other night about her taking me to a job and all, I quit going to her house for several nights because I didn't want her to start something with me. I want my last weeks at home to be full of happy memories, not arguments with a grandmother who needs to let me go and trust God for my safety and success. Today, she showed up at the house asking where I've been... It was kind of interesting actually because she never shows up without a reason and usually announces that reason almost as soon as she enters the house. So, she's standing there in my house, I'm the only person there, and she just says "Hey!"... I answered and waited for her to say something else...it was like this really long pause during which I wanted to scream, "Do you have an actual reason to be here, or were you just so bored you decided to come see what I was wearing today...?" She finally asked if I had any job leads yet... I told her no and she was like, "Ok. Well, I'm gonna go pick up pecans..." I love my grandma, I really do...but yeah...I'm tired of all the pressure being put on me to do what SHE wants me to do or what everyone else wants from me.

On top of that, the girl that cosigned for my loans to go to EC talked to me today as well...she was basically talking about "conventional Christian wisdom" and how using that wisdom would probably say that I should not go to ATL. That's all well and good...and once again, I respect her opinion, but it's still not what I feel that I should do. To make matters worse, she says she regrets having cosigned my loans now because people supposedly warned her that I would fail out of EC and that she would regret it... I understand the concern there...but isn't planning on me to fail just setting me up to do so in a way? Also, I didn't completely fail, in my opinion...there were factors that hindered my doing better than I did at EC. Had those factors not been there, I wouldn't have failed at all. In my personal opinion, the fact that I continued working hard despite the hindrances counts me as a winner no matter what my grades were...and maybe that's just my pride talking. Maybe I truly am the failure I always thought I was...

So yeah...a lot of disappointment from the people who, in a perfect world should have been supporting me. But obviously, life isn't perfect...this world isn't perfect. So I guess we'll all lose or miss out on something of great importance to us. I'm going to ATL...because honestly...what does it matter where I go in life since very few people seem to think I'll actually succeed in whatever I do?