Walled In on the Outside

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  I've missed most (if not all) of the other major holiday-themed moments this year because of deployment, among many other things.  I want to take this opportunity to get real with my readers once again.  Deployment is finally over (THANK GOD)!  I think that's without a doubt number one on my list of things I'm thankful for this year.  My husband has been home for awhile, and aside from duty days, has been rather constant.  For those who wondered and never asked, I did a lot of thinking this deployment.  There were a lot of things that I was trying so hard to wrap my head around.  The trouble is that as corny and hopeless as it may sound to others, I honestly do feel more settled, more clear-headed... when he's nearer home.  But then, I suppose that every military wife could make that exact claim to many varying degrees based on whatever level of hell she reached the final hour before homecoming.  Seriously, deployment (for the spouses left at home) is a lot like Facebook.  Everybody loves it -- UNTIL the creators throw a curve ball and make changes and none of us know how to use it again for at least a week.  Meanwhile, your account is hacked, your friends post spam to your page that they weren't even aware they posted, and you click it thinking, "Oh yes, I trust Susie, she would nev-- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!??" 
I look around me and I'm honestly so very blessed to have everyone and everything that I do.  I'm somewhat surprised that God continues to bless me the ways He does because I've been so gosh-darn lucky in life.  Isn't it about time someone else -- perhaps someone more deserving -- had a turn?  I do not say that unappreciatively, but rather with a grateful attitude in recognition of the fact that I am simple and unworthy.  I wonder sometimes what I've really done with all of these awesome blessings I have.  Have I completely squandered them with little thought to what I'm doing, or have I actually used my talents and gifts in a capacity I'm failing to notice?

That having been said, I suppose it's pretty obvious to most people that while I'm capable of great confidence, I don't always display it.  I'm often afraid to, for whatever reasons.  It's something I've struggled with on and off for most of my adulthood, though I try to keep it under wraps.  Part of my 'strong woman' routine, I guess.  Relationships are often awkward for me, and I often don't know how to operate on the level that so many people seem to.  A lot of it doesn't make sense to me.  I take life by the bull horns, whether or not they're stabbing me.  It hurts, sometimes for years, but the scars that remain are another lesson learned. 

So walled in on the outside... what's that all about?  Well... simply put, I've felt for quite sometime that there is a road block within my life.  Before deployment, I was looking so forward to all of the things I would do while Drew was away...  But then I did a big fat nothing.  I went shopping with a friend a lot.  I made a few videos with a friend.  I spent time with my cats.  I stayed up as late as I could.  I took a bust of a road trip not many people know about (and it's best kept that way).  But all of those things are a FAR cry from the classes I had planned to take, or the time I had planned to put into things that are special to me.  I spent most of my time out with one or two people... I didn't make many new friends, and when I made them, I didn't spend much time with them, though I'm trying to fix that... so what happened?

I won't go into the many details of everything that went absolutely wrong during deployment.  Those things will happen no matter how many deployments Drew and I go through.  If it wasn't these challenges, it would've been something else.  No sense crying over spilled milk.  But I will say that while I've been extremely happy with my home life, my husband, my pets, my friends... I have not been happy with myself.  There has almost always been something that stopped me from doing the things that would have most made me happy.  I live to make everyone around me laugh and smile... and I can't not live for that; I must be true to myself.  But some days...it's just an old, skipping, broken record...  I was talking to a friend one day after Thanksgiving.  She told me how she accidentally crushed her phone between her hands in an annoyed attempt to shut the non-stop ringing up.  That's exactly how I feel sometimes.  I'm there for everyone, but they won't use me.  I really appreciate all of the people who are there for me.  I appreciate if you've said that I can call you any hour of the day.  Sometimes, I feel kind of alone out here, though I know I'm really not.  It's my fault.  I don't make much personal effort beyond saying hello to someone to get to know them.  I wait for them to talk to me or invite me over.  I try not to be too pushy.  I've learned that when I make the effort, it's met with a lot of...disgust, hatred, unkindness - you get the picture.  I just wait...  But waiting doesn't bring people around, sadly.  There's something within me I must conquer and overcome to be able to do this...

Walled in on the outside is about how for some of us -- or maybe it's just me -- we somehow take who we are and shove it within ourselves, literally walling ourselves in.  The problem is that in doing so, we push ourselves to the outside of so much of what we could be involved in.

It's time to make some changes.  Though they'll be difficult, challenging, and sometimes go against the flow of my own character, I'm up for it.  I'm excited about this.  I hope that everyone enjoys this life as much as I will continue to.  This is me...  Thankfully.