Musical Memoirs: Episode 2 - "If I Die Young"

 
"if i die young bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
ooh ooh ooh ooh

lord make me a rainbow I'll shine down on my mother
she'll know I'm safe with you and she stands under my colors
oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be
no ain't even gray but she buries her baby
the sharp knife of a short life
well I've had just enough time

if i die young bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
the sharp knife of a short life
well, i have just enough time

and I'll be wearing white
when i come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of man
but it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand
there's a boy here in town
who says he'll love me forever
who would have thought forever could be severed
by the sharp knife of a short life
well I've had just enough time

so put on your best boys, and I'll wear my pearls
what i never did is done
a penny for my thoughts oh no I'll sell 'em for a dollar
they're worth so much more after I'm a goner
and maybe then you'll hear the words that I've been singin'
its funny when your dead how people start listenin'

if i die young bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
ooh ooh the ballad of a dove
go with peace and love
gather up your tears and keep them in your pocket
save em for a time when your really gonna need em.
oh the sharp knife of a short life
well I've had just enough time
so put on your best boys, and I'll wear my pearls"

I've probably thought longer about the contents of this post than about any other in the last couple of years. I can say that very honestly, despite the fact that I just put all the "puzzles" of it together in my head just this evening, as well as having just found and heard this song yesterday for the very first time. *insert automated applause for writing expertise* I know, I know...

Clamoring Public: "So, Laura, tell us how you learned to write and put things together so quickly?"
Me: "Well, CP, it all started back when I was in highschool. I would have a book report due, but since I was so horrible at math and science, I would do that homework first, saving the report till last..."
CP: "And how did that help, exactly?"
Me: "I was really good at writing, so I managed to do my reports without necessarily reading the books. *proud grin*"
CP: "Wow. I bet you paid for that with a bad grade or two, (laughs)."
Me: "No. Actually, I made straight As in English class and some of my teachers hailed me as one of the best in the class."
CP: (stares, open-mouthed) *crickets*
Me: "Enough evidence of my hyperactivity, and back to our regularly scheduled blog."

Back in 2009, I went through a period of time when I didn't write much at all. I was going through some things better left out of Clamoring Public's view (hee hee). I continued to go through it as I found solace in subjects that I could write about. In effect, I used my writing to avoid the inevitable feelings. But now -- I think I feel safe enough to actually share a bit more.

Some of my closest friends will know exactly what I'm talking about here. I've said so many times that 2008-2009 were the hardest years for me of late because of the people that I "lost". But when I said that, I didn't go into full detail about exactly what all I had "lost". There were of course the passing away of three friends and a family member. In addition to that, I made some mistakes, and said some things I shouldn’t have to someone. I immediately apologized to her when I realized how mean I’d been, but apologies don’t fix things these days. Then, my best friend of many years and I were talking. Other people had been unkind to her, and I had been left to watch without being able to saying anything as the friend was pretty much blind to it. When her eyes “opened” she started sharing with me a bit more and allowing me to be more open with what I said. There’s just one problem with allowing me to be that open. I’m blatantly honest, but my goal in life is to make others happy, so it’s a bit of a conflict of desires. This turns into the “telling bad news in a funny, but not necessarily so nice” way… like this:

As you can imagine, this doesn’t always work out for me if someone misunderstands. And sadly, it is a part of my nature I haven’t been so successful in changing, though I have tried.

For many months now, I've felt stuck in a downward spiral. There have been moments when I couldn't seem to remember that I have dear friends who have remained close to me... Mel, Anna, Stacy, Bracha... I say I “couldn’t seem to remember” not because I forgot the people themselves or what they’ve done for me, but because suddenly, all that mattered was being able to tell this one little detail to someone in particular – the best friend I lost. I end up sitting there feeling the nothingness closing in and all I can think -- all I feel is, "Someone, please call me [without my asking]. Someone please come see me [without an invitation]. Someone please visit. Someone come touch me [so I can feel reality again]. And if that's too much... someone... please bring back the people who would've done all of that [if they weren't in Heaven]." Ok, so I focus a great deal on others. Maybe too much? I want people to know that I'm here for them at all times, but that sometimes, I need them too... and not just one of them all the time. And sometimes, it’s not really enough for me to just know that you’re there. It’s nice to hear from folks at random, too. Because that's part of what happened with one of my friends described above. I was going through a great deal in my new home with the newness of my husband being there every day and learning to deal with married finances. I felt that she was the one person out of so many who needed to know about ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING... so I burdened her too much, and then she felt that I was too stressed to hear what her problems were, so she didn't share, and eventually it all blew up in our faces.

"What kind of person am I, if all those friends that I've tried to take such good care of suddenly feel that they can no longer come to me because of my own problems? What does that make me if they just up and leave because it apparently consumed me?" -Me

"I don't believe that things that are in our nature [such as selfishness] other than rejecting God are wrong because our nature is both good and evil; and God accepts us that way, as long as we repent." - Drew

So how does this tie into the song above? Well... it's pretty simple.

1. "if I die young" - If I died young, all that would be left is this right here. It is what it is, what's done has been done. Knowing that, do I really want to leave things as they are?  I don't want to be that selfish.  But is it honestly avoidable?  Or is it just like my husband said? 
2. "oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be" - Things definitely haven't happened as I would've liked or planned. But you know what? We still have something to work toward.
3. "its funny when your dead how people start listenin'" - What does it take for the people around us to hear what we are really trying to say?  How many of the tragedies of life could be avoided?
4. "a penny for my thoughts oh no I'll sell 'em for a dollar" - What would you pay for the honest opinion of someone who doesn't know it all? What would you do to regain those precious moments when you could have discovered so much more wonderful about yourself in the midst of all the ugly?

I will end by saying that as far as friends and losing them goes... I'm thankful for the ones I've got.  Thank you for making my life a lot more livable.  I will always miss some of the ones I've lost...those I've offended, and those with whom I took things too far without realizing.  But I rest in the assurance that maybe - just maybe - I can work things out with those people before we bring regret into Heaven.

Please think about it.  And comment.