My first post in a new journal... and it’s Thanksgiving. This is the perfect timing for a journal I’ve wanted to post.
I wonder a lot lately what other people see in the mirror. And if it's what they believe other people see in them. I believe that no one truly knows anyone else... but I love hearing from others who they consider themselves to be. What is your reflection? Is it correct in accordance to what others see in you? Who are you?
My story...my reflection is obviously long as it is nearly 25 years in the making. But I would like to try to share some of it...and some of the changes that have taken place throughout the journey. I’m not exactly proud of everything that I’ve said or done over the years. One of my favorite lessons my Dad taught me was “just do your best”. So I did my best, and then tried to go beyond that to make my best even better. This journal is a testament to that…
I try to avoid most stories about my childhood. It’s not that it wasn’t simple or nice or innocent. And it wasn’t like I didn’t get pretty much everything I wanted. I guess I just like living in the now. Focus on today, so that if it does all fall apart, I can keep sight of what it meant to me… especially the people. I love the people.
Truth be told, as far as my parents and other family members were concerned, I was a bit of a rebel. My parents had their rules, and I suppose I treated those rules as though they were meant to be broken. I never did drugs. I never brought drugs, alcohol, or strange guys into my parents’ home. But I was a liar. It started off as a joke…trying to make my mom laugh one night. It didn’t go quite so well as I planned. Eventually, I just got to a point where I lied out of fear. It wasn’t that I was afraid of my parents… I was more afraid of their reactions if I told the truth. How does one explain that they really enjoy doing something that isn’t bad (like watching Disney movies) when their parents believe that it isn’t “good” for them? I recently even pulled off telling my mom that I was going to get a second tattoo. This happened after she had attempted convincing me to never get one. To make matters worse… I didn’t really “get it” as far as a lot of what my parents were trying to teach me. Perhaps it was just that I didn’t want to be taught those things at that time, although I never thought, “I don’t want to be taught”. I think that I just didn’t see the point. I didn’t understand that some of these things were just to help me become more responsible, or how I should show that responsibility. Call it playing dumb… but that’s just it.
Yeah... I'm a rebel. And I suppose that the independent streak in me has somewhat turned me rogue as well. Heh...once Mom told me that she hoped my kids would be exactly like me so that I would know what t was like. I turned to her and with a grin replied, "And I hope they're like YOU." She was speechless. My parents couldnt' really tell me "no" because I could find a way around it. Because I was just one of those kids. I don't know what they could have done to make things better. Because if a child asks "why this" the answer must be "because I said so". And if the child doesn't obey, it could mean their life. This is going to sound like an excuse, but for me... I think there was a part of me that needed a better reason sometimes. Even if it was as simple as "because I need your help".
Today, I’d like to think I’m a lot different than the person I was back then. I’d like to think I enjoy learning more than I used to and that I appreciate things more, even though I may not always act it. And yet, I am my own person. More than that, I’m a daughter of God, and I will do what I believe to be to be right by Him. Sometimes those things are going to be a bit unconventional to others, and that’s ok. I just hope and pray that I can get to a point where how everyone else feels won’t matter to me as much as it does now… I don’t want to change for anyone other than God or myself. Maybe that’s just selfish…or perhaps its right. But selfish and right…those are in the eyes of God and no one else. So I reckon I won’t worry about it.
So how does this flow in with Thanksgiving?
Well, I learned a long time ago that Thanksgiving is every day. But I believe that a lot of people think that I’m not as grateful for the things in my life as I should be. But are any of us?
Who are you?
Are you who you think you are?
What does everyone else see? And how much does what they see truly matter?
What are you thankful for in you? And in the others around you? What do you want to see within you in the future?
Happy Thanksgiving to all… and may everyone find themselves in the appropriate timing.
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