So, a lot has happened since I had to leave ATL. I found a job at a local library, and will be going for an interview at a second job tomorrow. I've also been hunting online like crazy in search of other job possibilities. I've been learning a lot, with the help of a few of my closest friends, and I wish I had more time to talk to them than I do.
One of the most recent things that I learned was that there are more than one form of selfishness. Now I know that a lot of people would look at that last sentence and be like, "What a dork!" But in all seriousness, I had not thought about selfishness in this depth before. Selfishness. It's pretty in-general. And when we hear the word, we automatically think about someone who doesn't care for anyone but themselves and who doesn't have the kindest of manners. But when I really sat down and thought about it...selfishness can hide in the craziest of spots, and it's because of those "crazy" places that I've been a bit mistaken as to what exactly selfishness is.
As a child, the life I was taught to live was an unselfish one...but something I realized recently is that I can be selfish when I am trying to be unselfish. For instance, a girl can desire the man whom she loves until she's blue in the face, but if she allows herself to be more concerned with making him happy by letting him have his way rather than working to show the desire herself, then the relationship will be nothing. I've been there before... And I was wrong. In my defense, I didn't really know HOW to show my desire for that person. Mainly because I was more concerned with what his parents would think of me if I literally ran to him and jumped in his arms. The hardest thing in the world is to truly love someone...only to find that you were too selfish to and too concerned with what someone thought about you to allow yourself to be happy with that love. And then when you realize that...you sit there...and it hits you that you had everything in the world that you could have possibly desired yourself... But you didn't act like you wanted it. So you lost it. And then you cry because you could've had it...but now you have to wait even longer for it because you needed to learn what selfishness really was and how to act differently about the relationship.
Another thing that I have learned is that life is not a story book, but rather a book cover with empty pages. It's like a journal. We choose our own story. We are all the heroes and heroines of our own stories whether we like it or not. We can either be the selfish hero who is good way down deep inside, but who cares only for himself. Maybe it's because of things he's been through or the fact that he's just so hurt that it's all he seems able to focus on. Or we can be the unselfish hero... His journal has other people in it and he's more concerned with them than he is for himself. The bad things in his life are only vaguely mentioned in his journal...he remembers the bad things...and that's enough for him. He is stable enough to not need anyone else to know exactly what happened or to remember it with him. His closest friends know about it, but that is only because they already know him well enough that he can't hide it from them if he wants to.
I've also been coming to the realization that I don't trust people enough. I think that in the mind of a woman, so many different things are all connected (even when they are totally unrelated). For instance, getting dumped can cause some girls to feel left out by all of her friends... whether it's true or not. It can also cause feelings of unlovedness. So that is something else that I'm working on. It is as scary as a lake of fire to allow another person to touch certain parts of you emotionally, physically, and mentally. It's frightening to let someone see the real you. Because we're all concerned about what if they hate it? What if I'm rejected? So that is something else I'm having to learn...to allow someone to see the real me whether they like it or not. And being ok and not apologizing for it when they don't.
So that's just a little bit of what I've been learning. And I've had some rough days with it. But it's the rough days that make all the rest as beautiful and exciting as they are. It's the realization that bad things happen, but in the end, it's those of us who trust God fully who are happy.
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