Torn...

In my last post, I mentioned that my boyfriend had decided against returning to EC. Well, I keep thinking back on what I said to him about how this might be a good thing for us and all of that. We're not breaking up or anything, and I trust him... But we'll still be apart for a time...something I did not want or expect. So...in looking back on what I said to him...I realized two things: (a) it sounded like a really crappy lie where I was basically playing the, "I'm hurt but I'll be in denial" game (b) if it sounds like crap to me, it probably sounds like total bs to God. So my boyfriend told me to make a list of reasons I want to stay, go, etc.

Reasons to Stay:
PROS
~Parents and Grandma - Being 22, it's really hard to leave the home.
~Be around friends - Some of my friends are still at EC... and I just made these friends this past semester.
~Rica - my chihuahua would have to stay behind
~EC itself - it has a fairly new president and is coming out with new policies. As a student this past semester, I had a lot of trouble with getting through those policies...I would like to have the opportunity to "assist" the staff by letting them know how these policies were helpful or not helpful and also how they can be more helpful to future students, thereby getting more business for the school, but also keeping the school out of debt.
~Possible job opportunity - at a Christian bookstore I wanted to work at awhile back.
~Help - from home should I need it since I'm not used to being on my own.
~Lame reasons - good internet connection
CONS
~Parents and Grandma - Can't really think for myself because they're voices are always in my ears explaining reasons why I should or should not do something...I love them and I appreciate the advice and concern...but...yeah...
~Friends - I have few of them, and if honest with myself, it's easier for me to see them in ATL than it is at EC because...well...it just is.
~Family pressures - My Grandma wants me to continue pulling the family together when she's gone. That means bringing everyone to Christmas gatherings and reunions. The problem is that I can't do that, and she's a bit guilt-trippy about it. I've been freaking out too much over it, and it would really help to get away from my home-town so that I could have a few years to figure out that (a) I can't do that and (b) how to be a "leader" within the family without trying to do that (c) how to not freak out about it.
~Not very happy in the home-town of 22 years.
~No car or other opportunities to get away from everything when I need to... with a car, I can be alone when I need to be because no one else is going to be in it. Someone else's car doesn't cut it...
~Nothing to do. Bored. The job that I have had isn't very involved or busy, so it was boring too...
~Feel like I'm not getting anywhere in life, even if I do get a job.
~Feel...trapped...stuck...
~I keep meeting people from my church that I no longer attend for various reasons...they apprently want nothing to do with me anymore.
~Bad influences from certain friends - I know how to avoid being influenced by them, but that doesn't always stop it from happening, and if I'm here, I'm not going to be around the friends who DO have a good influence on me...they live in ATL and SC.

Reasons to Leave
PROS
~Temporary home with cousin.
~Probable opportunity to get cheap car with friends' help before leaving.
~More job opportunities that wouldn't bore me.
~Freedom to make my own decisions and to talk about them with whomever I choose, or keep them to myself as I choose...no more feeling that I have to tell my parents because I'm living under their roof.
~Fewer family pressures - Grandma can call as much as she likes, that doesn't mean I'm going to agree to always be there...I care about her, and I want to be available to do a lot of the things she wants, but I have a life too, and it doesn't need to be run by an elderly-guilt-trip. No offense to her, as she is a very precious lady...
~Being around the friends who matter the most to me more - I would be closer to them as they live within a nearer distance to ATL. I would also be more able to bring my best friend from SC because there would no longer be the concern of her seeing my mother's "nasty" (moms' word) house.
~More jobs available.
~Better pay.
~Bigger city - more to do.
~Better chance to suceed in life.
~Used to living in small spaces.
CONS
~More jobs - and more people to take them
~Better pay - but I have to build it up to where I can afford a very small apartment for myself eventually, rather than mooching off of family and friends.
~Bigger city - more traffic.
~Higher costs.
~Not as close to home.
~Rica

One of the big factors here is that due to the current economy, it is going to be hard to live no matter where I go. So yeah... I'm tired...I'm worn out... I need sleep. *crashes*